In a new report, a group of cross-party MPs has called for the law around cohabiting couples to be reformed, highlighting the risks that people – often women – face during the breakdown of a relationship. As it stands, the financially weaker partner within a relationship has no automatic rights to the family home after a breakup.
Prior to the report's publication, some women have already been implementing “relationship contracts,” to protect themselves in the event of a breakup.
When Nicole* first told her friends and family that she had signed a relationship contract with her boyfriend of just six months, she received a mixture of responses; none of them positive. "My friends just didn't understand, they'd never heard of a relationship contract.
“And when I told my parents I'd signed one, they told me to ‘run’,” she tells me, before adding: “Lots of people asked why we didn't just get married if we wanted something legally binding.”
But for Nicole, and many other women who sign relationship contracts, it's not a traditional union they're after, but one that feels safe and has boundaries that they know the other person will adhere to. Despite its legal-sounding name though, a relationship contract isn't a binding agreement but rather a tool for couples to express their needs and work together to craft the parameters of their own unique relationship: including anything and everything from health and housework, to sex and intimacy.
Goodman Ray Solicitors confirm that, though a relationship isn't actually legally binding, they have seen a rise in couples who aren't yet married, or never intend to be, creating some form of relationship document, so that they feel heard, seen and respected by their partner.
“I'd had a few boyfriends before this relationship and I just always felt like our communication was poor and the boundaries were always unclear. I suggested the contract to help keep things simple and straightforward. So many people are in unconscious agreements with their partners anyway, and afraid to ask for what they really want, so why not just formalise it so that everyone knows where they stand?"
“Clarity and boundaries were going to be a non-negotiable and addressed upfront, finally!”
“I frequently allowed my needs to get overridden and was too afraid of speaking up out of fear of losing people, specifically men. So, before I even met my now-boyfriend, and after a lot of research, I decided that the next relationship I entered into would involve a contract," Nicole explains. “Clarity and boundaries were going to be a non-negotiable and addressed upfront, finally!”
But it didn't happen overnight, when she met her now-boyfriend, Ben, it took a while for Nicole to get up the courage to ask him, and then even longer to convince him. “At first he thought it was personal, like I didn't trust him specifically,” she says. “But I explained that it wasn't about punishing or restricting him, but helping us both to feel heard, with no grey areas when it came to understanding what the other wanted.”
And pressure to scrap the idea came from outside the relationship too, particularly from Nicole's mum, who felt that wanting someone to sign a contract of this nature was a red flag to not really trusting their intent. “It definitely slowed down the process of Ben and my mum getting to know each other. She was really wary and constantly worried that it was actually Ben who was going to benefit from the contract, and he felt resentful that he was being blamed, but it's worked itself out over time and I think she understands it more now.”
When the pair finally signed the contract, they were careful to make sure it fairly represented both sides: “I wanted things in there like Ben making an effort with my friends (I'd had lots of partners who didn't care at all and it often caused a bit of a divide), but I also wanted things that I think lots of girls struggle with in relationships, like the promise of emotional support, honesty and honouring commitments that he made, like not cancelling dinner together to see a friend or deciding to work all weekend at the last minute.”
“I'm not going to drag Ben to court if a big project comes up last minute and he can't make the cinema, but it does definitely help you to take your partner's needs a bit more seriously.”
“Of course, I'm not going to drag Ben to court if a big project comes up last minute and he can't make the cinema, but it does definitely help you to take your partner's needs a bit more seriously.” And, as Nicole muses, it only took a few hours to draw up. They just “googled” relationship contract examples ("there are literally hundreds online"), wrote their own clauses and then sat down and talked them through to make sure they were both clear. “Then we just signed two copies of the contract and each kept one for ourselves.”
The question is though, if a couple stay together over a long period of time, should they be held to the same values and boundaries as their needs evolve? “What's brilliant about a relationship contract is that it can be amended as time passes so that it can continually reflect our changing needs as people, and as a pairing,” Tami Sobell, relationship expert and founder of TS Therapy, tells me.
“It's a good idea when creating a relationship contract to sit down every year and reassess what's in there, because what we need from our partners is continually changing and what they need from us might be different today than it was last year. This could be down to changes in a living situation, our mental health or factors like adding children into the mix.”
Tami adds: “As in any healthy relationship, it's really important that we make time to take stock, and the same should be done with a relationship contract so that we know our partner is still happy with it, and we can raise any changes we ourselves might want to make.”
So, has it worked? “I would say it helps us to keep more consistently happy and eliminates the opportunity to make excuses for not living up to the other's expectations. We can never say we didn't know what they wanted or needed, because it's there in black and white," Nicole insists. “I also feel secure knowing exactly what his needs are and that I can fulfill them. I've always been worried that I'm not good enough, but now I know what Ben deems as ‘good enough’ I can clearly see that I do all those things.”
And Ben himself feels that, although he'd never heard about the concept of a relationship contract prior to meeting Nicole, having set one out has been hugely beneficial. “I think it just takes out the uncertainty around whether you're doing the right thing for your [partner] and also means that I can take the time to do things I like, or need, without feeling that I need to explain myself or that I'm going to be hurting anyone.”
In fact, he says he found it liberating: ‘It just removed a level of worry that I’d felt in previous relationships and allowed me to be really honest about what I want. It actually gave me time to think about what it was that I did want which is something I'd never really done before, but when we both took time to think of our own ‘terms’ for the contract, I discovered so many things that I'd always loved doing and then just forgotten about in a relationship because I was worried that the other person was going to be offended or see it as reprioritising our relationship.'
“One of my clauses is getting at least one night to myself each week. For me, to be in a relationship and get time alone where I don't feel bad or as though I'm neglecting someone is really new, but I love it. It's my guilt-free time to do whatever I want," Ben says.
“Plus, we have really clear boundaries and fewer rows than any other relationship I've ever had,” Nicole adds.
But clear boundaries and fewer rows aren't the only reason why relationship contracts are becoming more popular. For some, it's about protecting their finances and ensuring that, whatever happens, they won't come out of the relationship worse off than they went in.
“Both [myself and my now-husband] have had awful experiences with previous partners when it came to money. My partner nearly lost his home as a result on one separation and I lost just over £30k from a previous partner who secretly got himself into significant debt,” Katy Hope, a leadership coach, tells me.
“Both of us wanted to take that next step of living together but felt really uncomfortable and quite exposed financially."
“Both of us wanted to take that next step of living together but felt really uncomfortable and quite exposed financially. This just felt like the perfect solution that allowed us to live together, but know we were protected should things not work out as we hoped.”
It was Katy that suggested the contract, but, unlike Nicole's boyfriend, hers was immediately receptive to the idea: “I was moving into his home, and having almost lost it once, he really wasn’t keen to risk it again. He was incredibly flattered that I’d offered to make such an arrangement and it really helped to cement our commitment to each other.”
So the pair got a solicitor involved to help draw up what is known as a ‘Living Together Agreement’ or a ‘Cohabitation Agreement’.
"It documents what would happen should we separate and covers all the major financial aspects couples traditionally fight over – even with the best of intentions. So it includes things like: how many weeks one of us (in this case me) has to vacate our home; what % value of the house I own and how quickly my partner must return that equity to me; how much I contribute towards the monthly mortgage payment and how this would impact the equity I hold in the house, and who takes possession of which vehicles we own, and who is responsible for any outstanding finance.
“Our solicitor made it clear that should we need to take legal action because of a separation, the agreement would be a key document that showed the intent of both parties – and it was unlikely a different outcome to the agreement would be awarded.”
“UK law does not formally recognise relationships outside of marriage or civil partnerships, which means that couples who choose simply to cohabit have no legal protection over assets in the event of a break-up. For example, if you move into a property owned by your partner, you will have no legal right to ownership or habitation, even if you've been contributing to the mortgage,” lawyer and life coach, Caitlin McFee, explains.
“Therefore, many couples are now choosing to set out their intentions of what should happen to their assets in the event of a break-up in a cohabitation agreement. Whilst such an agreement isn't completely will only be legally binding if it has been drafted and executed properly and signed as a deed, it can serve as very persuasive evidence of a couple's intentions. In the unfortunate event that you and your partner end up in a court dispute, the court may refer to a cohabitation agreement when deciding what to order.”
She adds: "A relationship contract is not the same as a cohabitation agreement. You can draw up a relationship contract without lawyers and include anything you wish. However, such a document will not be considered by the court in the event of a break-up. If you want to be able to rely on a document in court, ensure that you and your partner both seek independent legal advice."
This is a perhaps a small but pretty crucial difference, and an important one to understand, between Katy and Nicole. However, what is the same is that for Katy, just as for Nicole, this was the first time she or her partner had entered into such a relationship. "My husband hadn’t heard of [a relationship contract], but I was aware such things existed and at the time I met my husband, we were starting to see the emergence of legal challenges where couples were separating and one partner was making a claim to the house despite not having contributed in any way to the mortgage. In some cases, having moved into their partner's existing home and only resided there for a year or less."
“It made for scary reading,” she adds.
"Friends were a bit more surprised, finding it a little cold or clinical, with pretty much all of them saying they’d never entertain something like that.”
Despite these countless examples of acquaintances running into financial trouble during the breakdown of a relationship, Katy still found that her friends were surprised when she floated the idea. “Our immediate family were supportive, having helped us through the financial nightmare we’d experienced with other partners, but friends were a bit more surprised, finding it a little cold or clinical, with pretty much all of them saying they’d never entertain something like that.”
“It just felt right for us. During the time we’ve had the agreement we’ve seen friends whose relationships have broken down and the fighting over assets and money has turned a difficult time into an even more difficult time.”
And therapists are seeing more and more couples sign relationships contracts too. "Every relationship is contractual, a relationship contract is just making the terms more clear-cut," Tami says. “It's just another tool for couples to express and define their needs and work together to create boundaries that benefit them both. These can include anything and everything from health and housework, to sex and intimacy.”
As well as this, Tami believes that such an exercise helps couples create more conscious relationships and encourages them both to take an active role in their own, and their partner's happiness, which ultimately empowers both sides. "It's really just a way of saying, 'I'm invested in this relationship and this person' and then setting out how you can do your best to protect this."
As with anything though, a relationship contract could leave a person vulnerable to an abusive partner who is looking to control. For Nicole and Katy, their experience is overwhelmingly positive and something that has been a bonding experience between them and their partners, but what about for wxmen who are with a controlling other half? How can you spot when a relationship contract is being used to limit and suppress you, rather than to help you create healthy boundaries and feel heard and seen in the process?
Senior therapist and trauma expert, Sally Baker highlights a number of red flags to look out for. “The number one red flag, look at anything within the contract that limits your communication with other people,” she tells GLAMOUR. This constitutes social isolation abuse and is a behaviour that aims to cut you off from your friends, family or community in order for the abuser to exert more, unquestioned control over you.
“Another red flag is someone who holds you to the contract over a long period of time without allowing you to make changes or adjust things that no longer feel right,” Sally says, explaining that we are always growing and evolving as humans and so a relationship contract needs to reflect this, otherwise it becomes limiting.
“Are you are telling your friends about the relationship contract?” Sally asks. "If not, it's likely because that means there's a part of you that already feels uneasy about the dynamic or knows those who care about you are going to worry."
“The real test of whether a contract works in your favour or not is how it intuitively makes you feel. If there's something in it that makes you feel uneasy, you can bet that it's coercive. Trust your intuition," she implores. “And if it doesn't feel right then I would look at getting out.” We've included details on where to turn to for help at the bottom of this article.
In short, though the validity of a relationship contract is murky at best, for Nicole, and other women like her, it's crystal clear, “you wouldn't go into a million-dollar deal without a clear contract, would you?” she asks. “So why would you dedicate your heart and soul without one?”
If you've been negatively affected by a relationship contract, or anything around coercive control, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. If you are unable to call, visit www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk and fill in an online form. You can also find a range of support from Women’s Aid and Refuge, who operate a 24 hour helpline.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy
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